On Death And Grief.
I am a huge cry baby. I cry over every and anything, I cry when I think of the pain people go through when they lose the ones they love. I cry when I lose people I love. I try every time to fill my head with happy thoughts, I avoid sad movies, songs, generally, things that dampen my mood. I always want to be happy, optimistic, positive. I am happy to the point of being tagged unserious sometimes. Lol. I constantly search for happy outlets because just a single thought or word could cause PTSD and I'd begin to think up random unhappy things and boom I'm sad. Sadness is a pit I've fallen into so many times, it is so easy to get in and a herculean task to get out of and I'd rather totally avoid seeing that pit.
On Death;
I'd have loved to describe death with a parable but I can't. Death is an unwanted guest, it shows up at your doorstep and you can not tell it to leave even if you tried. The strange part about death is that it takes the seemingly "immortal" people in your life, and without notice. Death unlocks a part of you that you never imagined you had. Death makes you question every and anything. One minute you are making plans for forever, a business meeting, shopping, life goals with a person, and the next minute you are standing in front of a six-foot-deep hole. You are still in shock and coiled deep within you is the need to know; How? Why? Why him/she?
And death replies if not him, then who?
You slip into second base,
Grief:
I do not believe that grief is something you can truly get over and done with, so I get pissed when people say, "you can't cry forever" or "crying won't bring him/her back" no matter what you do when you speak to a person whilst they grieve, never use those words. People need to find openings for their pain, if they want to talk about their loved one on social media, let them. If they want to cry a river, be there for them and make sure it doesn't affect their health. If they want to go off the radar for a while, let them.
There is no one proven method of grief to get over the loss of a person. When people grieve, I don't think it ever truly ends. You could be having a smooth day and something out of the blue reminds you. I lost a friend in 2018 and I have still not gotten over it, I believed she was invincible. She had such a positive influence over me from childhood till when she passed away and I don't think she knew that I genuinely looked up to her. When I got the call of her demise, I ended the call immediately and called back two minutes later to accuse my mum of being a bloody liar. Funny but it happened just like that. On the day of the funeral, as I walked into the church compound, my legs felt like jelly and gave way under my weight. I said to my sister "I can't believe I'm about to attend a funeral mass for her" I think about her almost all the time and I can't even imagine how her family feels, living with constant reminders all around them of a person that was, speaking of her in the past tense, no present, no future. Now a memory.
What truly pains me about losing her or any other person is the fact that I did not get to tell them how much they meant to me, I didn't get to smother them with hugs and kisses. To constantly reassure them with words that I love them and they had become an integral part of me. Grief comes with 90% pain and 10% regret of doing things differently but what do they say about the hands of time again? It can't be turned back.
Losing someone is hard. Moving on is harder. You can only but pray that the Lord keeps the ones you love but even when he answers and keeps them to a good old age when they eventually leave, it still hurts. But if people don't die how would the circle of life continue?
I hope when people grieve, they find an outlet for their silence. I hope they don't find it extremely difficult living with the pain, because it won't be an easy ride. I hope they find relief in the fact that the person(s) they mourn for are in a happy place now. I hope they find the closure they deserve.
Have you ever lost some you loved? How are you coping with it? What would you tell someone who is currently grieving deeply?
Please leave a comment❤
P.S;
I know this isn't exactly what you'd like to read on a Sunday morning but I just had to put this out there, I know this does not affect me only. This is a lifestyle blog after all. Writing this has helped let a load off my feelings.
Love,
Yard Girl❤
"Crying doesn't bring back a person". Oh how I hate that sentence! Loosing someone so dear to you takes a whole lot of courage to move on especially when you literally see the person everywhere you go. Well life still Goes. What will I tell someone who Is still grieving? Cry all you want if that's what gives you closure, grief for as long as you want but don't forget the lovely people you still have around and try to cherish the moment with them before they are all gone.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Norah. We should indeed cherish the moments we have with the ones we love. ❤
DeleteI Lost a friend in 2013, still haven't gotten over it,
ReplyDeletemy mum lost her sister last month, i let her grief her eyes out,
Sometimes, all the time, its good to let people cry all they want,
Holding back tears or grief will make your body release too many stress hormones and they can cause your heart to fail,
Nobody is invincible, death itself is inevitable, inasmuch as we can't live forever, we should all try to leave behind what will...
Sigh* Sorry about the loss of your Aunt. Thank you for letting your mom grieve in the best way possible. Death is indeed inevitable. We can only hope it doesn't come so sudden.❤
DeleteI felt what it meant to grieve for the first time in Jan 2012 when I lost my grandma. I saw her that Sunday in church and then I got home to be told that she had a terrible accident and she transited the next day. We had more than a grandma-grandaughter relationship. She was a friend and the vaccum is still there. Moving on to 2019 I lost a friend, I wasn't all close to her but she was the only one who randomly called in to check up on me. I regret that I didn't get to appreciate her for her kind deeds. I keep wondering why her life was cut short in her prime but then I've got no answers.
ReplyDeleteEven this morning I am reminded that people can go anytime without giving a clue and that's what scares me the most. Funny how when I woke up I was like, Nigeria one day one drama let's see what they're up to now and boom I got the still shocking news.
Even as tomorrow is not promised,I pray when it's time to leave,we leave with accomplishments and impacts in the lives of others even as God has assured us not to worry.
I know this is long but I needed to let out some steam too.
I felt this, Serena. Tomorrow is not promised and we should live every day like it's our last.
DeleteI'm sorry about your grandmother and your friend. Death is no respected of man. It is so audacious.
Thank you for letting some steam up. It is essential that you did.
I lost a close friend in 2019 and I can't tell you I've gotten over it. Death is scary, the reality that one day we will have to mourn people that mean a lot us is not one that is easy to face. I have lived everyday since her death, wishing I was a better friend to her. Wishing I had more time. It's inevitable but it's the reason we should love. Love and live. Everyday we awaken is an opportunity to show the people that matter to us, how much they matter. No one promised tomorrow, we only have now.
ReplyDeleteThe truth. The reality that we'll lose the ones we love is scary on it's own. We only have today to make it count. Thank you, Julia❤
DeleteDeath is inevitable. Since the death of my father which was ata experience for me, I've been trying to grow a shock absorber to it. Still still, I will always try to create beautiful memories with those I love and let myself feel the warmth in these memories when they are gone.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Tony. It is indeed inevitable. So sorry about your dad. We can only hope it gets better❤❤
DeleteDeath really is inevitable, you can never really be prepared for it's coming... I lost my dad when I was 14, just a little while after I got born again but even with what I learnt about death and grief in my early born again period, I still wanted to understand why, why now? Why at all? Why now of all times when I started to love him more, when I started to understand and see him, why?
ReplyDeleteI think in a way I wanted God to be sad for making me sad, I wanted to understand why he would give me that beautiful, beautiful peace and then just disrupt the peace...
I was really angry at everything, God, myself and then my daddy and then myself again but then I got over that initial anger...
Then moving on I would remember him randomly, then instead of being angry, I would run away from the world people and cry till my head hurts or my eyes start to swell or I just write to him... At first it was hard writing to him because instead of words, I fill my paper with tears, I dwell on what should have been, what he should have done and what he should have avoided but I realized I had to get past all that because the "what should have" and "what should have not" was only making me sick and really sad and I could feel my anger coming back. I tried and tried and eventually I got past the past-dwelling period and then I started writing really happy letters to him, sharing my wins, complaining about everybody and basically leaving things at "it happened already"...
I don't think we can really stop grieving even if we tried, but what I think is that we can stop being sad/angry about the death of our loved ones if we try...
Wow. I really can't begin to imagine how losing your dad at such a tender age, tested your faith and made you feel. It is well.
DeleteWe take solace in the fact that they are in a better place and we can only but miss them and hope the pain goes away.
Sending warm hugs❤
I lost a friend in March. Even though she had been sick, the news of her death broke me. Sometimes, i feel like I'm over her death, but just last week i had to do something with someone answering the same name and I realised I'm not over the death at all. Moving on after losing a loved one is hard.
ReplyDeleteWhat will i tell someone who is grieving? Cry all you want. Talk about them on social media, if it makes you feel good... But in all, remember that life will end eventually. So while we're here just make the most of the present.
Sorry about your friend. I'm glad you are healing, it's a gradual process but you have made progress.
DeleteI agree, cry helps a lot and we should make the most of the present with the people here.
Sending warm hugs
Thanks for this dear.
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome ❤❤
DeleteFortunately, I don't have any experience with grieving over a love one, but every time I imagine one of the numerous people I love dying, it makes me crawl into a hole and never come out.
ReplyDeleteOne can only try to imagine how it must feel to lose a loved one. But will only truly understand it with experience.
ReplyDeleteI didn't tell life I was ready o! it just forced it on me. Imagine the audacity! Me that was running home, working through a terrible breakup at the time, to go relax after the semester's exams. mtcheww so rude. lol
But it did it through my dad. And one woman, in her quest to console me, said "at least he was old, you should be grateful".. excuse me??!! [imma put more effort into educating people on how to be there for someone experiencing grief I swear]
You see how I still remember her exact words? yeah, that's how I still occasionally feel the exact Fresh pain since 2019.
Initially, I was suspended in a state of shock and denial that spanned almost a month. During this period, I had not shed a tear, even returned to school 2 days after he passed. I was aaaalllways talking to him. In fact, my life seemed perfect. I was hyperactive day in day out. Did every single activity for the day without a reminder.
Untiilll... I saw an obituary with my dad's picture on it.. ehn?! Why's daddy's picture on an obituary?? I called home. my mom was just crying and I honestly couldn't understand why. Grandma collected the phone.... to scold me.[shey you see why I must continue educating people?]
Omo! You needed to see how I started wailing. I had no one.
The incidence instilled this crazy and constant anxiety in me. Cuz the supposed to be last time I'd talk to my dad, I said I was busy with something and would call back. I did call back about an hour later, but it was too late. ��
It also instilled a new sense of appreciation for life and each moment I'm offered.
The freedom and courage to express my love for the people around me more freely. To be "mushy mushy" without restraint.
Because I've learned; not only are we not promised tomorrow, we are not promised the next hour.
And what we mostly regret is how we didn't express our love more than we did.
Thank you, Yard girl. ♥