Boundaries 101; Try Silence Sometimes.

Hiya!

Yard Girl here!

I am back like I went to buy bread! 

It's been a minute. I’ve missed writing here and also reading your amazing contributions.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote to you. Adulthood is steadily showing me shege but I'm dealing with it. (Abba doing his thing as usual.) I’ll give you the gist in bits. I do not want to bore you. Lol.

Let’s dive right in.

Now, I have had a lot of conversations surrounding the subject of setting boundaries.  What struck me the most was the fact that some people do not believe that boundaries should be defined in their relationships. They mistake random people for friends, and

allow these 'friends' have a say in how they look and feel. 

Boundaries according to psycologytoday.com, can be defined as the limits we set with other people, which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behaviour towards us.

Here's the story behind this post: 

So, I cut my hair last year. Honestly, there was no reason behind me deciding to have a haircut. I woke up that morning and said to my friend, 'I’m going to cut my hair.' I wanted a new look. I did it, it felt great. I look good.

Of course, I received a lot of questions on why I cut my hair but nothing hit home more than the conversation I had two days ago. I had this person contact me last year. She wanted her contact saved due to a service I might offer her in the future. We never had a follow-up conversation after the first, and she had not requested my services yet. I randomly posted a throwback photo from 2018 and she commented how I looked better with my hair and kept hammering on me growing my hair back even though I said I felt prettier just the way I was. I felt uncomfortable and the next morning, I sent her a message

(Excuse the typos)

Now, she got all defensive and asked me to delete her number(I didn't. I allowed her the honour of doing it herself.) It was the fact that I politely expressed my discomfort in what she had said and how she still saw nothing wrong with it that got me irritated and I decided to share this here. 

I do not care if I lose a potential client. Even in professional relationships, there should be boundaries. I’m not going to allow random strangers to make me uncomfortable with their ‘advice’ and comments and swallow it hook line and sinker.

I shared this experience with my WhatsApp community and some people pointed out that I was rude in my response to her. Someone also said the Lady was entitled to her opinion of how I looked because she was on my Contact list, and was automatically my friend.

Here's what I think;

First off, I am not appreciative of random strangers telling me what to do with my body or whatnot. Not even my close friends enjoy this privilege.

Secondly, we are not automatically friends because you have my number saved. Friendship is a really big deal. This is why we have people who are better described as colleagues, classmates, neighbours, customers, and acquaintances.

Thirdly people do not even realize they are encroaching on other people's boundaries, they hide under the guise of ‘na cruise’ ‘ you are too serious jor’ ‘i was just joking’ It is okay to have opinions on politics, sports, fashion, books,  but draw the line at having opinions on how people look or the decisions they have made on their appearance. Park your break and reverse when such opinions start forming in your head and you are moved to say or type it. 

Lastly, I was sweet nau, I even added a 😘 for the culture. 

TRY SILENCE

Yesterday, the first message my friend received was from someone who replied to her status update and referred to her arms as ‘Mummy G.O Arms’ Imagine waking up and the first thing you see is a comment shaming your beautiful body? 

Again, it is not okay to make random jokes and snide comments on the insecurities of others, there is no planet that this is acceptable.

Some things are better left unsaid. Before you give that unsolicited opinion/advice, have a rethink. Ask yourself ‘How would I feel if someone said this to me?'

Honestly, It is not your business and you are not entitled to having opinions on how people look. It could be a health issue, it could be because they just want to look like that.

In the few months preceding the death of Chadick Boseman (of blessed memory) he had posted a video on the gram asking people to stay safe during the lockdown and his weight loss was glaring, some people showed concern but most of the comments were vile and mean. He trended, they called him the 'Crack Panther'

When the cause of his death was revealed, the world became silent and everyone had something to say about being kind with words. 

Every day people are constantly put down by the random comments of other people.

My baby sister (14) recently started skipping meals and eating way less food than usual and you can guess the reason.

People see me sometimes and tell me 'Eat so you can gain weight' Oh Wow! Such a smart idea! Why did I not think of eating earlier?

How We Can Do Better.

Pay attention to how people react when you say certain things. Not everyone is 100% expressive. They might not say how uncomfortable your comment has made them feel but if you notice your words may have triggered insecurity, it is okay to say ‘Hi XYZ, I realize something I said may have made you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry about this. I'll make sure I never speak about this again.'

You sef, when someone tells you, you have said a hurtful thing, just apologize and don't try to defend yourself with "I was just joking nau" life is hard, Nigeria is harder, do better. 🤲🏾

Let's Wrap This Up!

Some people do not even believe they should set boundaries and demand that people come correct with them. They believe that everyone should have access to their personal space.

Darling, that is bad spiritual hygiene and it will do nothing for your self-esteem in the long run. You will end up running on a treadmill of trying to please people. Humans are insatiable. Even if you had the most perfect body, someone would still point out something they do not like. 

When someone tells you they like you better with hair, you rush to the hair salon, when someone says you look better with your haircut, you are at the barbershop. When another person says you are gaining too much weight, you starve yourself and put your health in jeopardy trying to look trim when your original weight was perfectly healthy. 

Also, setting boundaries does not end at only telling people not to talk about your body. Boundaries also extend to finances, demanding that people respect your time, your work, your craft. 

Basically, for anything that doesn't go down well with you, it is important you politely explain that you do not appreciate their intrusion.

Here are some ways you can establish boundaries with people:

Here are some real-life situations where snide comments made people set boundaries. Names have been changed to ensure anonymity.

So, dahz all!

Do you have boundaries in place in your relationships?

Do you believe everyone is your friend and can contribute to your personal life decisions?

How important do you think boundaries are?

What has been your experience speaking up for yourself?

I want to read it all, I've missed you so much.

Give me the gist, hold nothing back. 🤲🏾

I look forward to reading your thoughts in the comments.

See you soon!

LOVE,

YARD GIRL  💜

P.S;

I listened to this amazing JP Cooper's September Song and The soothing Cavemen's Root Album whilst writing this. 

And you guessed right, I'm obsessed with pawpaw memes😂 Dude has a corresponding meme for everything!